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It is easier for some of us to love a partner who no longer conforms to our “type” than others, she says: “It depends on your complex belief systems about love. Some people believe ‘what keeps me with this woman is how attractive she is – so if she loses that, it’s natural that I should lose the love’. Others go in with the belief that it’s till death us do part. But then, are you staying with them if their legs are blown off in a bomb? Look at road traffic accidents and traumas – the predictions are that the marriage will break up within two years. In my clinical experience it’s 50/50.”Sayeed, a teacher in his late thirties, has been married for 20 years to a woman who wouldn’t diet, whose weight has crept up. “When I met Sheila, her personality and intelligence were the important things, and still are The truth is I’ve put on weight too.

Our body sizes have dampened our sexual attraction – but there’s so much more to our relationship than that. I’d never say anything to her about her weight, because she’d never, ever dream of saying anything about mine – she wouldn’t judge me on that.”Matthew, an advertising executive, sees things differently. “Nyla has put on about two stone since having the kids, and she doesn’t seem to care I love her but I do find her less attractive. Sometimes I feel like doing the French thing – staying married and having affairs. I feel dreadful even saying that, but what can I do when I don’t fancy her anymore? Surely that’s a vital part of a marriage too?”Our bodies are surely our territory, but in a marriage, don’t we have an obligation to remain attractive to our partner? And how far do we have the right to expect our partner to do the same?”There’s no hard and fast answers here. Every couple makes rules to suit their own relationship,” says Ms Northam “It’s always about negotiation. It’s better to be truthful and express your feelings in the early stages than wait for a crisis.”I asked my partner, who’s always gone for petite women, how much weight I’d have to put on before he stopped finding me attractive.

He pondered, then said, “You’d have to change your face, and the way you laugh, and who you are.” After researching this piece, I know how lucky I am.OLDER & WIDERGeoffrey Lennon, 45, and his wife Debra, 40, of Llanrwst, north Wales, have been together for 23 years. They have three childrenGEOFFREY : I loved it when Debra was pregnant. She has put on a little weight since the kids, but I’m not what I used to be either – I am probably two stone heavier than when we met. I would lose it if I could do it easily but I can’t be bothered. I think it’s harder for woman because their bodies have to go through so much. Debra has a Caesarean scar and what she calls akangaroo pouch, but so what? I think women notice these things more than men anyway. When we are up for it we aren’t suddenly put off by a blob of cellulite or underarm hair Besides, I like the way Debra has changed It marks the stages of our life together.